Ash - SSDD - Danial Carroll

PAGE ONE (eight panels)

PANEL 1. Ash hangs a light-blue S-Mart shirt on a hook. The name-tag, “Ash Williams, Manager,” can clearly be seen.

CAP:

A helluva lot has changed in the last 17 years.

PANEL 2. He drops a set of keys onto a side-table, next to a photo of himself and the woman from the end of Army of Darkness.

CAP:

I tied the knot with Betty.

ASH (OP):

Honey, you home?

CAP:

You remember, that foxy mama I saved at S-Mart.

PANEL 3. Close up on the front of a fridge, with Ash’s hand grabbing on to a post-it that reads, “Ash, Taken Sam out trick or treating, xoxox.” Next to the post-it is a photo that shows a young boy cutting a birthday cake with a large “10” on top.

CAP:

We’ve had a kid.

PANEL 4. Ash is holding the post-it, but looking away, a little startled by a knocking at the door.

CAP:

But the more things change…

ASH:

Ugh, I hate Halloween. Brings out all the crazies.

ASH:

Maybe if I just turn off all the--

SFX (OP):

KNOCK KNOCK

ASH:

Damn it, too late.

PANEL 5. Over Ash’s shoulder, from the doorway, we see a lady Deadite standing on his porch.

DEADITE:

Trick or treeeaaat.

ASH:

Hold on.

PANEL 6. From outside, we see the Deadite just standing at the empty doorway.

PANEL 7. Same as the previous panel, except Ash is walking into frame.

SFX (on Ash):

CHK-CHK

SFX (between panels):

BOOM

PANEL 8. Through the new-formed hole in the Deadite’s head, we see Ash holding a smoking shotgun.

ASH:

Sorry, lady, we’re all outta treats.

CAP:

… The more they stay the same.

Ash - Curriculum Vitae - Matt Duarte

Ash in “Curriculum Vitae” by Matt Duarte

This page is to be laid out in a classic Watchmen-style 9 panel grid, except that the last row is just one big panel.

Panel 1

Description: Ash is falling from the sky, which looks tormentous and oddly colored. He is flailing around, and we can see that on one hand he is holding his trusty boomstick and on the other rests a chainsaw.

CAPTION: Name: Ashley J. Williams

Panel 2

Description: Ash lands on top of a group of deadites, which have broken his fall.

CAPTION: Age: Too old for this shit.

Panel 3

Description: Ash has stood back up. Even though a group of deadites were knocked out by his fall, there’s plenty more surrounding him.

CAPTION: Current Occupation: Full time protector of infested realities.

ASH: Alrighty then...

Panel 4

Description: Ash is now attacking several deadites, with his chainsaw, chopping off several body parts.

CAPTION: Plenty of previous work experience.

ASH: Don’t worry class, I brought enough to share with everyone!

Panel 5

Description: Ash has now dispatched of all of his foes, with the exception of a deadite that is running away from him. Ash is shooting him in the back.

CAPTION: Great handle on customer relations.

ASH: Oh no you don’t, chuckles!

SFX: BOOM!

Panel 6

Description: The deadite that was making a run for it has fallen, and there are plenty of others in the floor.

CAPTION: Good communication skills.

ASH: Heh. Groovy.

Panel 7

Description: We are now seeing the same scene from above, and we can see that the bodies have all fallen in the shape of a sentence that says “Ash is here”, with the final deadite being the dot in the “i”.

CAPTION: And objective driven.

ASH: I guess it’s time to find that stupid old book. Again.

CAPTION: Desperately looking for a new career in a different field.

The End.

Ash - The Defence - Sime McDonald

1. A polished black Lincoln is driving down the freeway in mid-afternoon traffic.

CAPTION

I pride myself on my ability to keep my clients out of prison.

I manipulate – legally, I should stipulate - the law in order to instigate the desired outcome.

2. Defence Attorney William Connelly (new character, no reference) is facing us. He’s driving the Lincoln, hands planted firmly on the wheel. His complexion is pale; he looks exhausted, like he’s just faced off against the ultimate prosecutor in the courtroom.

CAPTION

I’d never had a case involving an innocent man with the desire to be found guilty.

Not until recently.

Not until Ash Williams.

3. Flashback to weeks ago. Ash Williams is behind bars, leaning against them, lips pursed, whistling; not at all fazed. Connelly looks animated, arms up in the air, unable to believe what he’s just heard.

CAPTION

We were at Calender Call; and in a few minutes I was due to tell the judge we were ready to go to trial.

That’s when he told me...

CONNELLY

(shouting)

You want to go to prison?!

That makes no - -

4. Ash is frowning now, eyebrows furrowed. Connelly’s still aghast.

ASH

You’re my lawyer.

If you can’t do your job, I’ll find someone who can.

CONNELLY

I am doing my - -

It’s my job to defend y - -

5. On Connelly, fuming.

CONNELLY
Fine. Fine.

You want to go to prison? I’ll get you sent to prison.

6. Cut back to the present, in prison. From our vantage point, the entire place appears to be overridden with deadites. And Ash is unleashing some major violence on a bunch of them; a prison-made blade is affixed to his stump.

DIALOGUE CAPTION

(ASH)

“Groovy.”

Ash - Oh Yeah - Rol Hirst

There is an Irish indie rock band who share their name with this week's shotgun-toting, chainsaw-fisted, deadite-slaying quipmeister. That's all the help I'm giving you this week.

Panel One.

A grimy, hells-a-dripping live music venue. The sort of toilet you play long before you make the big time, or long after the big time is a vague, fever-dream memory. Up on stage, a three piece indie rock band are giving it their all. The crowd is going wild. But they would: both performers and audience are zombie mofo deadite demons.

CAP (Ash): They stole my name. They violated my eardrums. They pissed molten axe-hero necro-wee all over my 7 inch of In The Ghetto.

Lead Singer: …everything was Burn, Baby, Baby!

CROWD: Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash!

Panel Two.

Closer on the band as the drummer and bassist’s heads both explode. The lead singer looks worried… or as worried as a zombie mofo deadite loser can.

SFX: K-TOOM! K-TOOM!

CAP (Ash): It’s payback time.

Panel Three.

Standing on a huge speaker next to the stage, Ash blasts his shotgun and blows off the head of the lead singer too. He’s wearing an “Elvis Rules!” T-shirt, and a huge, self-satisfied grin.

SFX: K-TOOM!

Ash: Guess what, numbskulls – you’re Number One on my hit parade… with a bullet!

Panel Four.

Standing on the stage now, Ash addresses the audience through the lead singer’s brain-splattered microphone. The deadite audience is going mental.

Ash: Sorry, folks – show’s over! Ash have left the building…

Panel Five.

Ash stands at the front of the stage, shooing the deadite audience to leave the venue. Behind him, the headless corpses of the band begin to stagger to their feet.

Ash: ...permanently!

Lead Singer: That’s where you’re wrong, mortal scum. It takes much more than a shotgun to finish us – we survived Britpop!

Lead Singer: Also…

Panel Six.

Ash turns to face the headless band as they throw mad kung fu shapes in preparation for Round 2.

Ash: Uh oh...

Lead Singer: We know Kung Fu!

Ash: Yeah? Well, guess what...?

Panel Seven.

Close on Ash, grinning manically as his chainsaw fist roars into life.

Ash: ...I know chainsaw!

SFX: RRRRRRRRRR!

Ash: Bring. It.

Ashley Williams - If You Have It, You Don't Need It - Max Barnard

The Premise: AHAHAHA no.

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Page 1 - 5 Panels

1-- We join Ashley Williams in a lavish high-class room with a fireplace, with him reclining in a fancy armchair, wearing a Hefner-esque dressing gown.

SPEECH BUBBLE/ASHLEY WILLIAMS - When you have to kill as many deadites as *I* do, you don't always have time to stay at your freshest.


2-- Ash has gotten up from his chair and is reaching into his dressing gown.

SPEECH BUBBLE/DEADITE [O/P] - I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!

SPEECH BUBBLE/ASHLEY WILLIAMS - And sometimes you just NEED to have an old musty smell that you can only get from staying an old cabin in the middle of nowhere.


3-- Ash has now pulled out a sawn-off shotgun from his gown and is firing it off-panel in the direction of the Deadite.

SPEECH BUBBLE/ASHLEY WILLIAMS - THAT, my friends, is where I come in. BOOM!

SFX/SHOTGUN - BOOM!!


4-- A Deadite has now fallen down the chimney into the fireplace in the background. We also have a couple more Deadites beginning to creep into the panel from the opposite side to the recently dispatched one. Ash is in mid-turn towards them.

SFX/DEADITE FALLING DOWN CHIMNEY - CHIM-CHEROOMPH!

SPEECH BUBBLE/ASHLEY WILLIAMS - Through my years of research and collecting various horrible smells I have recaptured the magic of creepy old shacks, that you can carry with you anywhere you go!


5-- Ash has now finished swinging round and has fired his shotgun at the two Deadites coming from the side.

SFX/SHOTGUN - BOOOOM!

SPEECH BUBBLE/ASHLEY WILLIAMS - AHA! It's called "Really $%&#ing Old Spice" and you should go out and buy it before I kick ALL your asses.


[and that's it for this page. given more space this would probably become a 2 or 3 page skit with something resembling a real punchline, but I just couldn't really fit an effective one into the page without it having unrealistic expectations of what space a comic page has.]

Ash – Il Buono, Il Brutto, Il Ash – Ryan K Lindsay

1. Ash is looking off into the left, into the night. He looks tired, beaten, his shirt in tatters, his five o’clock shadow closer to six, the gun and strap on his back. He's seen better days.

Ash: Deadite stench, loose on every wind.

2. A much better looking Ash faces to the right, into a waning dusk. He’s clean shaven, wearing a nice jacket for the cold, and his hair is combed. In total, he looks good. Better than Ash ever has, or has any reason to.

Good Ash: Suck it up, Williams, you think we all don’t get the same end of the stick?
Ash(op): Oh, just because you waltz in and say you’re the Good Ash you think you get to boss me around? Well, listen up Mr Fancy Pants-

3. Wide panel – these two are back to back. Our Ash has his gun in his hand, the new Ash has sleeker looking pistols in each hand.

Ash: I’ve fought this evil before, all of it.
Good Ash: You’ve met Bad Ash, yeah, and you did a decent job. But there’s a reason I’m called Good Ash.
Ash: Heeey, Good, Bad, what does that make me?
Good Ash: Not Arch Stanton.

4. We are looking out Ash in the face. Over his shoulder is Good Ash and the wide open sea with a small armada of ships coming in.

Ash: Whatever, you’re the idiot!
Ash: …
Ash: Let’s just blast some he-goons and she-bitches and call it a day. You can brew me some more of that Canadian Mead you got the ancient recipe for.

5. We now look at Good Ash’s face, he looks confused or disappointed. Not happy.

Good Ash: Maybe I didn’t explain it right last time, though it’s probable you just didn’t get it.
Good Ash: This army is dead, yes, but you might find things a bit different from the usual Deadite…

6. Our Ash is looking over Good Ash’s shoulder. He looks very shocked.

Good Ash: That armada is assembled entirely of us. It’s every evil Ash the bastard could find.
Good Ash: And there were plenty of them bored and looking for something to do.

Ash - Why Mess With the Classics - Ben Rosenthal

1. Ash is in S-Mart, the supermarket where he works. He is using his right metal hand to place a box of something on a shelf. He looks bored and unimpressed.

VOICE BUBBLE (from off panel)
Excuse me, I’d like to make a complaint.

2. A side on panel. Ash is standing, his back to the shelves of stock he was just putting away. In front of him is a frail old lady in a cardigan. Ash still looks unimpressed.

OLD LADY
You see, I purchased this box of tissues from you the other day....

ASH
Maam, the complaints department is right over there near checkout four. They will be able to help you out with any...


OLD LADY
......and I’m not very happy about it. For starters, the tissues are not white enough.

3. A close up of Ash’s face. There is a blank expression covering it.

OLD LADY (off panel)
Not to mention that the box was slightly damaged. I discovered that when I got home.

4. Same panel as above, however Ash’s mouth has tightened up, and his brow furrowed. Frustration is beginning to show.

OLD LADY (off panel)
Mind you, I would have never discovered it if Mr Fibbles, my cat, hadn’t done a whoopsie by the front door, and I hadn’t placed my shopping down to pick it up.

5. Same panel as above, however Ash’s eyes are now closed. He is more frustrated.

OLD LADY (off panel)
He’s getting old in his age, my Mr Fibbles, and I can’t bring myself to put him through the horrors of the vet, which is why I was buying the tissues you see. Mr Fibbles loves...

ASH
Lady, if you don’t leave I’m going to have to punch you right in the face.

OLD LADY (off panel)
I..I’ve never been so insulted....I’m...I’lll....

6. A close up of the little old lady, whom is now floating in mid air. Her snow white hair stands on end, and her face almost unrecognisable as she turns into a Deadite.

OLD LADY
I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!

7. A close up of Ash, from chest height. His right hand is raised, metal fist ready for action. His face wears a smirk, and we can see that he is happy.

ASH
Groovy.

Why Ash?

Why the hell not? Ashley J Williams began his journey against the Deadite hordes in the low budget horror film “The Evil Dead”, written and directed by Mr Sam Raimi (director of Spider-Man 1-3, Drag Me to Hell and Darkman amongst others), with the greatest B-Actor in the world playing Ash. Bruce Campbell’s charisma, charm and chin gave Ash the presence of awesomeness which made him a cult icon.

Evil Dead 2 and Evil Dead 3: The Army of Darkness followed, splicing the horror genre with some classic slapstick. If you have not seen any of these films, do so now (and to settle the argument between the Thought Balloons tenured writers, Army of Darkness is the better of the three films).

The film adventures of Ash ended here, with us all hailing to the king. However, Ash’s crusade lived on in comics. Not only sticking it to the Deadite menace, Ash has also taken on Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, werewolves, Freddy, Jason, Marvel Zombies and demonised girlfriends, while all the while being, well, just COOL!

So what do our tenured writers have in mind for Ash this week? A battle for the end of the world? A new attachment for his stubbed arm? A romantic tale? The only way to find out is visit back throughout the week.

Oh, and if you have a great one page story in you about this week’s character, feel free to post it below!

Remember – shop smart, shop S-Mart.