Spectacular Spider-Ham - At A Loss For Wordplay - Niel Jacoby

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Panel 1: Porker is in battle against The Buzzard, and has hit the winged wastrel with a web blast to the wing.

Porker: PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE NEXT TIME!

Panel 2: Porker is swinging away as the cops apprehend The Buzzard in the background.

Porker(thoughtballoon): PICK AT, NOT ON! HE'S A BUZZARD, PORKER, YOU PORCINE PUTZ!

Panel 3: Peter Porker swings into action against The Bull-Frog, evading a thrust of the Bull-Frog's tongue.

Caption: LATER THAT DAY...

Porker: WHAT'S THE MATTER...

Panel 4: Porker is lost in thought, and has absent-mindedly shot a web at a police officer.

Porker: UH... I GOT THIS... ER... NO, NEITHER OF US IS A CAT... DARNIT!

Panel 5: Porker is mouthing off to the King-Pig, who is puffing on his cigar in his office at his desk.

Porker: YOU MAY BE SMOKING THAT EXPENSIVE CIGAR NOW, BUT... BUT...

Porker: DON'T YOU MOVE, KINGPIG, IT'S ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE!

Panel 6: King-Pig smirks as Porker's entire body clenches in a fit of frustration and rage.

King-Pig: WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH ME, I'LL BE SMOKED HAM?

Porker(thoughtballoon): IF THAT DON'T JUST BEAT ALL! I'M NOT JUST PARALYZED WHEN IT COMES TO PUNS LATELY, BUT MY OPPONENTS ARE FINISHING THEM BEFORE I CAN! I SWEAR, IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE A PIG SQUEALING MAD!

Spider-Ham – The Human Strikes! – MK Stangeland Jr.

(3 Panels)

Panel 1: SPIDER-HAM is standing just inside what looks like a wrecked laboratory.

SPIDER-HAM: Dr. Connors, what have you done?

DR. CONNORS: (From off-panel) What have I done? I’ve unleashed my true potential and unlocked unparalleled power!

Panel 2: The shadowy form of DR. KOMODO CONNORS.

DR. CONNORS (1): I’ve managed to become the most dangerous and powerful animal of them all!

DR. CONNERS (2): From this day forth, I shall be knows as…

Panel 3: Reveal of DR. KOMODO CONNORS new form – he looks like DR. CURT CONNORS if he had both his arms, and looks like he’s much larger than SPIDER-HAM.

DR. CONNORS: …THE HUMAN!

(END PAGE) 

Spider-Ham - A Rose By Any Other - Grant McLaughlin

Each panel is a different scene taking place at a different moment in time.  The exact moment isn't particularly important.

1 - The Rhino (who is a rhino) sits on the street, defeated.  Spider-Ham has bent a steel beam around him like a rope, restraining the fallen villain.  Spider-Ham stands nearby, delivering a zinger, which angers Rhino.

SPIDER-HAM: I know I've said it before, but you really should have thought twice before charging into that moniker.

2 - The Vulture (who is a vulture) hangs upside down by some Spider-Ham web from a lamppost, restrained.  Spider-Ham sits atop the post, looking down at him and cracking wise.

SPIDER-HAM: I know you're a scavenger by trade, but you should have looked harder when searching for an appropriate epithet.

3 - Spider-Ham rides the Lizard (again: a lizard) like a cowboy on a bucking bronco in the sewers under the city.  It's clear that Spider-Ham is going to come out on top of this confrontation.

SPIDER-HAM: Did the full scale of picking an appellation cause you to slither away in fear?

4 - The Chameleon (who - well, you probably get it by now) sits at a desk in an office, his hands webbed to the desk.  Spider-Ham holds a mask that looks like a rabbit that he has clearly removed from the Chameleon.

SPIDER-HAM: For someone so keen on disguise, you sobriquet is mighty transparent, my friend.

5 - Spider-Ham dodges out of the way as the Jackal (you know the drill) throws a heavy looking object at him.

SPIDER-HAM: Was there a mix-up at the hospital?  Have you ever checked to see whether your species might be listed as 'Bob'?

6 - Spider-Ham delivers a mean right hook to Beetle (you guessed it), which looks to be the last blow of this battle.

SPIDER-HAM: Does not having an imagination ever bug you?

7 - Scorpion (yep, him too) stands in an open hall - let's say a Community Centre of some variety.  He stands at a table, signing a form of some variety.  Many of the villains seen in these earlier panels can be sitting behind the table - they wear the bruises and blows that they've received from these previous encounters with Spider-Ham.  Scorpion is in the midst of asking a question that he quickly realizes the answer to.  The other villains look back at him, unimpressed.  A large banner hangs on the wall behind them reading "Today: Sign-Ups for the League of Poorly Named Villains".

SCORPION (1): I'm all for the cause, but couldn't we have come up with a better na--

SCORPION (2): ...

SCORPION (3): Right.

Spider-Ham - The New New New New Sinister Six - Ben Rosenthal

1. A tight shot of Spider Ham - his spider sense tingling.  He is turning as the danger is behind him.

VOICE (off panel) And now Wall-Borer, face your greatest threat--


2. A large panel showing Doctor Octopus, The Lizard, The Beetle, The Scorpion, The Chameleon and The Vulture poised ready for battle.  However, this is their normal, human forms.

DOCTOR OCTOPUS: the all new SINISTER SIX!


3.  Spider-Ham is standing, confused by what he is looking at.


4.  Spidey has his back to the group, walking away.

SPIDER-HAM: You guys realise how ridiculous you look, right?

Why Spider-Ham?

Peter Porker, the Amazing Spider-ham first appeared in the one-shot humor comic book Marvel Tails Starring Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham #1, which was then followed by an ongoing bi-monthly series, Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham. The series lasted 17 issues, all of which were published under Marvel's Star Comics imprint.

Porker, in his spider-themed alter-ego's first adventure teamed up with other heroes, such as Captain Americat, Hulk-Bunny (Bruce Bunnyer?), Deerdevil, Goose Rider, Ducktor Doom, Raven the Hunter and the Fantastic Fur (they were cats).

When Spider-Ham accidentally travels to the Marvel Zombies universe, he is suddenly zombified by a group of zombies, namely Colonel America, Hulk, and Wolverine. It appears that he is directly shot on the head by an energy bullet by the Earth 616's Ultron, effectively killing him but, in a zombie state, Spider-Ham turned into... Ham-ibal Lecter.

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