Skullkickers - The Musical! - R.A. Wonsowski (the American Zombie)

Panel 1 - BALDY and SHORTY are running left to right full bore across the barren plains of Leng, chased by CTHULHU.

SFX:  (of their running) HPL-HPL-HPL-HPL

Panel 2 - BALDY, SHORTY, and CTHULHU skidding on their heels to a stop.

SFX:  SKID-D-D!

Panels 3 to 6 - Artist's choice.  BALDY, SHORTY, and CTHULHU dancing in perfect synchronization, in cartoony exaggeration, looking towards the reader as if sitting in the audience.  Copy is as follows:

Panel 3 -

Caption:  (sung to the melody of "Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King)

BALDY & SHORTY:  Cthulhu f'thagn!  What a won-der-ful phrase!

Panel 4 -

BALDY & SHORTY:  Cthulhu f'thagn!  He's R'lyeh set in his ways!

Panel 5 -

BALDY & SHORTY:  We'll be batshit insane - For the rest of our days!

Panel 6 -

BALDY & SHORTY:  It's us two pleasant sods - Against an Elder God...

Panel 7 -  Big finish!  All step toward us, giving us the jazz hands, BALDY and SHORTY enthusiastic.  CTHULHU is smiling beneath his cepholapod tentacles.

ALL:  Cthulhu f-tha-gn!!

Skullkickers: A Job Is A Job - Niel Jacoby

Main Panel 1: Baldy and Shorty are sitting at a tavern table, startled by the sack of copper coins that is landing forcefully on said table.

Mysterious Man: I'VE HEARD TALES OF TWO MEN WHO'LL KILL ANYTHING FOR 2 COPPER PIECES.

Main Panel 2: We see a shot from below, about the height of the seated Baldy and Shorty, of the mysterious man, who's hit by the sun going through the tavern doors such that you can't see much more than a silhouette. He's tall and somewhat gangly, and the flight suit he wears is a little baggy. Besides the silhouette, which would have him doffing his helmet, we should see a glint off the watch on his left wrist.

Mysterious Man: THAT ABOUT ENOUGH COPPER TO MANAGE... OH, 7 OR SO GIANTS?

Inset Panel: Baldy looks closely at one of the copper coins, revealed to be an American penny dated 1956.

Baldy: CAN'T SAY I'VE SEEN THIS MARK ON ANY COPPER COIN I'VE COME ACROSS.

Main Panel 3: We see the mysterious man, now visible, panicked and desperate, talking to Baldy and Shorty while leaning on the table, which still has the large sack of pennies on it. His flight suit is tattered, and his facial hair suggests he's been wandering this medieval world for at least a week or 2.

Mysterious Man: WELL. I COULDN'T SAY I'VE SEEN A HORDE OF GIANTS IN ANY MEADOW I'VE COME ACROSS BEFORE THIS WEEK.

Mysterious Man: THE ONLY THING I KNOW FOR SURE RIGHT NOW IS THAT THOSE COINS ARE REAL COPPER!

Inset Panel: The mysterious man grins nervously.

Mysterious Man...OR AT LEAST THE CLOSEST THING TO COPPER I HAVE ON ME RIGHT NOW.

Main Panel 4: Baldy looks at Shorty expectantly, while Shorty holds one of the pennies.

Baldy: WELL?

Baldy: TEST THE COIN.

Inset panel: Shorty tries to bend the coin with his teeth. It does not bend.

Inset panel 2: Shorty puts the coin back in the sack.

Shorty: IT'S SOLID ENOUGH FOR ME.

Main panel 5: Baldy and Shorty get up from the table, holding their weapons.

Baldy & Shorty in Unison: WE'RE ON THE JOB!

Skullkickers - Those Who Fight Monsters - J.D. Coughlan

SET-UP: In order to infiltrate a village of monsters while searching for a damsel in distress, Shorty and Baldy disguise themselves as monsters. Here, they are about to enter the local monster tavern.


Panel 1: The tavern door is flung open, revealing Shorty and Baldy in their very poor costumes.

SFX (DOOR): FWOOM!

Panel 2: Wide shot. The other patrons (various hideous fantasy creatures) stare blankly at them.

SFX: CRICKETS!

SFX: PIN DROPPING!

Panel 3: Tight on Shorty, whispering out the side of his mouth to Baldy.

SHORTY: (Whispering) Leave this to me.

Panel 4: Shorty holds up his fist triumphantly.

SHORTY: RARRR!

Panel 5: Close-up of one of the monsters. Angry.

MONSTER: Hey! They're not monsters! Monsters don't say "Rarrr"!

Panel 6: Two-shot: Shorty and Baldy. They are tearing at their costumes and drawing their weapons.

SHORTY: Kraken crap.

END OF PAGE

Skullkickers – Pest Control – Shaun Richens.

ONE PAGE.

5 PANELS.

1. A piece of parchment is nailed to a wooden notice board. We are tight on the parchment so the reader can make out what is written on it.

Pest control needed.

A Giant Rat infestation troubles a Taverns cellar.

 A hundred gold pieces to whom ever clears them out.

Speak to Gif at The Sleeping Dragon Tavern if interested.

2. We have pulled back BALDY and SHORTY are looking at each other smiling. The notice hangs on the board in between them.

         NO COPY

3. SHORTY’s gloved hand pulls the notice down from the board. They are taking the job on.

         SFX

         FHHHHT

4. BALDY and SHORTY stand at the bar of THE SLEEPING DRAGON TAVERN. They are talking to the large fat, yet joyful looking bar keep He is cleaning a mead tankard with his dirty shirt corner.

         GIF 1

         Oh aye we been having a problem with them bloody giant rats.

         It’s always the way with these old taverns.

         GIF 2

         Shall I show you lads to the cellar then?

5. From behind BALDY and SHORTY we are looking up at the huge Bear sized Rat that stands before them. It has risen up on its back legs like a bear does. Its long pink rat-tail flails around wildly behind it. Its long front tooth hangs menacingly from its huge salivary jaw.

         SHORTY

         He's a big one.

         BALDY

         One? Didn't the notice say them?

         GIANT RAT

         Squeeekk.

Skullkickers – Sticks and Stones – MK Stangeland Jr.

(Beardy and Baldy are fighting a large stone humanoid golem monster thingy of some type – I’ll just call it a ‘Stone Man’ from here on out for simplicity.)

(6 Panels)

Panel 1: BEARDY strikes the back of the STONE MAN. The head of his AX breaks off from the impact.

SFX: (Ax impacting stone) thuk

SFX: (Ax breaking) THACK!

Panel 2: BEARDY looks at his broken ax handle

SFX: Momentary Surprise

Panel 3: STONE MAN turns it’s ‘head’ around to look at what just hit him.

SFX: Imminent Pain.

Panel 4: STONE MAN swings it’s arm and hits BEARDY. A BEARDY-shaped blur moves backwards from where BEARDY was previously standing.

SFX: TH-WUNK!

Panel 5: BALDY crouches behind a rock for cover. He’s doing something with a bunch of bullets and a pan, preparing to try to create a primitive makeshift bomb out of the bullets gunpowder. A BEARDY-shaped blur flies past the rock.

SFX: (BEARDY BLUR) YEAAAAAAAAH!

Panel 6: BALDY picks his head up in reaction to BEARDY flying by in the previous panel, but completely missing on what just happened.

BALDY: ?

END PAGE

Skullkickers- Body Swap Y'all - Dan Hill

I cheated slightly this week, cannibalising my entry for the Skullkickers competition that ran recently. It's a bit more on the nose than I'd have liked due to space constraints, but there we go.

PAGE ONE: Eight panels.

Panel One

We OPEN on a TIGHT SHOT of BALDY firing his GUN towards us.

We’re in a dank, dark cavern somewhere underground. The only source of light are a series of flaming torches mounted on the wall.

We can see some of SHORTY’s head slightly off panel to Baldy’s right.

SFX:  BLAM BLAM BLAM

SORCERER (CAPTION):  “Useless.”

Panel Two

CUT TO a tight shot of SKELETONS approaching the camera-- an undead army. They are all wearing bits of old armour-- a helmet, scraps of chainmail, etc and carrying rusty (but still VERY pointy) weapons.

The gunshots from Baldy’s gun all miss, hitting the cavern wall and ceiling.

SFX:  PTANG PTANG PTANG

SORCERER (CAPTION):  “Amateurs.”

Panel Three

CUT TO a TIGHT SHOT on SHORTY. Shorty is facing camera and looking at his AXE with an incredulous look on his face. 

BALDY:  ?

SORCERER (CAPTION):  “Who knew it would be this easy?”

Panel Four: Wide panel.

From Baldy and Shorty’s POV looking deeper into the cavern. Marching towards us is a large group of SKELETONS-- an undead army. They are all wearing bits of armour-- an old helmet, scraps of chainmail, etc.

In the centre of the panel, slightly behind the army is an EVIL SORCERER (TM). He wears a scarlet robe and hood and holds a STAFF made out of the bones of various creatures. The detail is intricate and disturbing. At the top of the staff is the symbol of Janus (/_8625SG6CbkU/SyG7VQDXbOI/AAAAAAAAACw/LXSOdB36xm4/s320/janus_small.webp).

SORCERER:  One simple body swap and your legendary skills fall apart.

SORCERER:  My army will claim the surface.  

Panel Five

CUT TO a TWO SHOT on Baldy and Shorty looking towards us, towards their impending doom. Baldy is on the left of the panel, Shorty on the right.

SORCERER (CAPTION):  “With the staff of Janus in my possession I am unstoppable.”

Panel Six: Fixed panel.

Baldy and Shorty glance at each other, mischievous smiles playing across their faces.

SORCERER (CAPTION):  “I will--”

SORCERER (CAPTION):  “Why are you smiling? Stop smiling.”

SORCERER (CAPTION):  “I command it!”

Panel Seven: Wide panel.  

ZOOM OUT slightly to show the pair throwing their respective weapons to each other, both ready to catch the other as they arc through the air.

Panel Eight: Fixed/Wide panel.

Baldy and Shorty both now have their respective weapons in their hands. Baldy (really Shorty) holds his trusty AXE and Shorty (really Baldy) aims his GUN towards us.

Both have now broken out into wide, toothy grins. 


Shit’s about to get real.

BALDY:  Better?

SHORTY:  Much.

BALDY:  Shall we?

Skullkickers - Fire and Brimstone - Ben Rosenthal

1.  A massive dragon breathes fire out the front of a castle.  It looks evil and menacing.

2.  The dragon has stopped breathing fire.  It is looking down at two lone figures standing in front of it – Baldy and Shorty.  Smoke comes out of the dragon’s nostrils and it glares at them menacingly.

3.  A shot of Baldy and Shorty staring up at the dragon.  The look slightly concerned at the size of the beast which stands before them.

4.  Same as Panel 3.

SHORTY

Shit.

Skullkickers - Taming Troubles - Grant McLaughlin

For context, this page would take place in the midst of a story where Shorty has come back to where ever he and Baldy reside with a giant, terrible, slimy toad-like monster that would roughly be between the size of a large cow and a small house.  Shorty calls said monster "Steve" and wants to keep it as a pet.  Baldy is somewhat leery of the proposition, but relents to give Shorty a try to tame it.  This page would be part of said taming.

1 - Shorty holds a book whose cover reads "An Oaf's Guide To Taming Pets".  There is a picture of a clueless looking dwarf (who shares a strong resemblance to Shorty) on the cover.  Shorty looks pensively at what's written within.

SHORTY (1): Lemme see...

SHORTY (2): Roll over!

2 - Steve the horrible toad monster sits there, doing nothing.  No dialogue.

3 - Shorty is a little surprised.  Not to be disappointed, he tries a change of tactics.

SHORTY (1): Oookay.  Mebbe a little much for ye.  How about...

SHORTY (2): Speak!

4 - Repeat panel 2.  Steve continues to do nothing.  No dialogue.

5 - Baldy comes in, looking over Shorty's shoulder at the book and pointing at a particular entry.  Shorty pushes him away, insisting he doesn't need any help.

BALDY: Try that one.

SHORTY: Shove off!  I don' need yu meddlin' in me hard work.  I can do this on me own.

6 - Turning back to his "pet", Shorty tries a third command, looking confident in the chances of success.

SHORTY: Stay!

7 - Repeat panel 2.  Steve continues to do nothing.  No dialogue.

8 - Shorty turns to Baldy, a smug smile on his face.

SHORTY: See?  I told y--

9 - Steve starts belching fire everywhere.  Shorty and Baldy duck down to get out of the way of the projectile flames.

SFX: Fire Belch!

Why Skullkickers?

I came into Skullkickers quite by accident.  As you may well know, I'm a pretty big Dinosaur Comics fan, and one fateful day - let's say August 19th, 2010 - Ryan North posted a link to an upcoming comic from his friend "Zub".  Well, you can bet that I followed that link, found a mighty promising preview, and proceeded to head down to my local comic book shop to ask them to add that title to my pull list.

Once the first issue came out, I discovered two important things.  Firstly, despite Mr. North's assertions, the series' wasn't called "Skull Kickers" but "Skullkickers" (an important difference, as I'm sure you can recognize).  And secondly, Skullkickers was all kinds of wonderful.

If you're unfamiliar, Skullkickers is an irreverent, D&D-esque fantasy series starring two mercenary mercenaries who go by the apropos nicknames of "Shorty" and "Baldy".  Shorty is the (short) dwarf and Baldy is the (bald) human.  Pretty simple stuff.  The series also happens to be one of my favourites.  It's got violence, it's got adventure, it's got humour, and like all of my favourite comic book things, it's got fun.  Also: some of the best comic book SFX around.

Can you tell which one is which?

Written by Jim Zub, drawn by Edwin Huang, coloured by Misty Coats, and published by Image Comics, Skullkickers just made it up to issue #15 this week, and there have been some pretty big revelations in the past two issues.  However, seeing as it's admittedly possible that not everyone has been reading the book (although I can't imagine why), I'd ask we try to keep spoilers in our scripts to a minimum, if possible.  Fortunately, that shouldn't be a problem, because these two characters are larger than life and lend themselves to all sorts of fun scenes and scenarios.

Should you somehow be one of those people who hasn't read any Skullkickers, I have just the remedy for you.  Zub et al are actually in the process of posting earlier issues of Skullkickers online for free!  They've been making pretty good progress on it, too, as I believe they are coming to the end of the second story arc. So if you're interested (and you should be!), you can start reading from issue #1 here.

I'm a real big fan of this book, and as always, I'm excited to see what our tenures and play-at-homers will make of it!  For anyone wanting to participate, please feel free to post your scripts in the comments below.  I hope everyone has as much fun writing their entries as I know I will.

What're you waiting for?! Let's get scripting!